Day 2 is going better. We’ve gotten more into the swing of it although we have broken a few of the rules out of habit. It’s hard not to kiss your husband first thing in the morning. It truly is a habit.
We’re not fighting or arguing which is good. This exercise is already beginning to work. We’ve already started to just enjoy hanging out more.
I decided separate rooms was to separate. I moved onto the couch.
It’s turned into fun basically. It is fun to call your husband your friend. We are getting a kick out of it.
If you want to know what happens next you’ll have to keep reading…
Day one has been very rocky. We started out not wanting to talk to each other. My husband was very spiteful at first. The first few hours were extremely rough. He just did whatever and we barely spoke unless absolutely necessary.
Then we went out to pick a movie. That was interesting, but we were able to do it without arguing which is good. This is the first day without arguing in a while. We picked out some snacks and he didn’t want to take much part in that either. He was still a bit angry about the whole thing.
It’s not his fault he feels the way he does. I mean how do you tell someone you want to try not being a couple without them being upset. I laid it out in full disclosure. I told him that I did not want to be in a relationship with him right now. I told him I just wanted to be friends, but I didn’t want to get divorced. This isn’t so simple to tell someone you’re married to.
Then came the even harder part: moving out. Now I know what you might be thinking, but you’re wrong. I just moved out of our bedroom. I moved into the guest room. I took all I needed to live in here for the next 30 days.
We’ve also began establishing rules. No being naked around each other. No changing or showering around each other. No sex. No kissing. No touch other than what friends would do. No talking like we are married. We agree to give each other time and space, but rekindle our friendship.
At the end of the day it was a hard transition, but I’m willing to do what it takes to help our marriage. Marriage is about sacrifice. I’m willing to sacrifice the above mentioned things to help us both to remember why we value each other so much. We need to look past sex, our obligations to each other, and anything else holding us back to realize what those things are that make us want to fight for the relationship.
Once I explained in detail to my husband what this was about he jumped on board. He thinks it is a good idea. For all the people who have been asking if we are OK. Our marriage is OK. We still love each other. This is something to help us continue to love each other and to help us decide the next steps in our relationship. I hope by the end of this each of us will in our own way try to fight to be more than just friends.
If you want to see what happens next you’ll have to continue reading…
Starting today my husband and I will not be married anymore. We are trying 30 days of just being friends to rekindle our relationship. I’m going to be blogging about this experience for the next 30 days to let you know how it works out. We are trying to strengthen this part of our relationship. It gives us a unique challenge as a married couple to look past the marriage and see each other in a different light. This could either be good or very bad. I hope it helps us gain some perspective on our marriage and on each other. I hope we will be able to learn more about the other and about how each other feel. This means 30 days of no sex. This means 30 days of not sleeping in the same bed or even the same room. This means no kissing. This means 30 days of starting over from the beginning. We shall see where this journey takes us.
If any of you have dealt with a chronic illness or a chronic problem I’m sure you’ve heard some of the following things. I’m sure you’ve heard if you’d just get closer to God (Allah or whatever you call the deity in your religion). If you would just pray harder you’d get better. Just try harder because God heals the sick.
My question to you (the self righteous religious folks telling us this) is what gives you the authority to say such things? What gives you the authority to demean someone with a chronic illness? Of course we pray. Of course we try. What do you suggest we do? I thought the bible said that God would give us trials. Have you ever thought maybe this is ours?
Do you think you are holier than me because I’m ill? I specifically remember Jesus taking a special liking to the poor and ill. I need you (self-righteous religious person) to help me understand why you think this way.
I don’t think you can answer my questions. If you make an attempt you just answer them with more questions. When I still don’t understand you get angry. I don’t think even you understand your own theology.
I ask you to please ever so politely shut the hell up. Don’t tell me what God is going to do because you don’t know. Please stop making us sick people feel like it’s our fault we aren’t getting better. Stop ostracizing us. Please let us have our personal religious relationships. My biggest suggestions to you are to learn boundaries and to please stop telling us it is our fault that we aren’t healed. WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?
Love is so hard sometimes. Some people have this fairy tale fantasy of what love is and as soon as things get real they want out. Maybe an escape down the rabbit hole perhaps.
Things have always been real for me. I’ve never followed society’s norms. I just had no idea how hard things in a relationship can actually get. People lie. They betray you in every damn way possible. It’s human nature really.
Monogamy is not natural. Biology gives men hormones to want to be with every woman they see. This is no secret, but us women we still insist on him being true to only us. When he cheats we want out automatically without discussing it. We don’t even want to hear why.
In most cases the cheating is not because he no longer loves or cares about us. He’s not bored with us. It actually has nothing to do with us. It is more about biology.
We always blame ourselves. It literally kills us to deal with the fact that we were cheated on. We ask ourselves what’s wrong with us. What we should be asking ourselves is why we demand him to only have sex with us. If he is attracted to another woman we die a little inside. Why?
I think it is because society tells us unless we have a relationship based on monogamy we are wrong. I’m not advocating polygamy or poly amorous relationships. I’m not advocating lying. What I am advocating is defining your own relationship. Do not let society define what you want or need.
Once you and your partner define what you want in your relationship it is not okay to break these sort of vows to each other. It is not okay to lie to your partner. I’m not advocating this. Again I’m advocating that you define your own relationship, your own path. No one gets off the hook in a relationship. If you truly love someone you will value them. You will value the relationship enough to do what they want.
In the end relationships are so much more complicated than the Hollywood stories, frills, and society norms we’ve seen and learned. It is hard. It isn’t meant to be easy. Humans are very complicated self aware creatures. Don’t even get me started on marriage complications. Let me tell you love does kill, but a life without love is a slow lonely death.
For as long as I can remember my parents were substance abuse addicts. This always seemed to spill over onto their children (though if you were to ask them they would deny their parenting blunders). My parents were not good at acknowledging their children. It was almost as if they didn’t want us around, but didn’t want to give us up.
My parents’ story is not as black and white as it may seem. There are so many different colors that belong in this story. There is so much more than the wondering eye can gather. Their journeys are deep. Their sorrows cut them to the core. So maybe you can’t blame them for these things. We will dive deeper into the subject of my parents later in this blog I’m sure.
Let’s go back to the beginning. My first memories are violent shaking memories. My very first memory is of my father beating my mother with a kitchen chair. I remember hiding away in fear and being scared for my life I must’ve been 2 or 3 years old. It was the first of many episodes of domestic violence I would see in my family.
I think that violence did rub off on us. Children know what they see (and trust me they know). I knew my parents were doing bad things as far back as I can remember. I didn’t need those anti-drug campaigns. My parents were walking reasons never to take drugs or drink. I vowed at a very young age that would not me. I vowed never to do drugs and never to hit my husband or children.
My very first memory of my siblings and I was a violent memory. You see I learned to use violence to solve my problems at a very young age. I remember stealing my sisters glass baby bottle and hitting her on the head with it. I’m lucky I didn’t really hurt her. I remember hiding behind the couch because I knew my parents would beat me to death as soon as they heard her yelp in pain.
My other sister who is much older tells me stories of when I was a baby. One time my dad came home high and intoxicated. He pointed a gun at us both (she was holding me) and tried to shoot us. I couldn’t have been more than 3 months old at the time this happened. My mother had to get the gun away from him.
I happened to be my mothers’ only unplanned pregnancy. I was born out of wedlock. I was born to a 19 year old mother who knew nothing about raising a child. I was born as a stay for my mother. She quit taking contraceptive pills in order to get pregnant with me. She trapped my dad. You see it was still traditional for most people who conceive out of wedlock to marry for the sake of the child (though I really can’t see how this helps anyone, but the parents).