An Open Letter To My Doctor

  I’m constantly asked by you to describe how I feel so I took the time to give you some damn insight on how I honestly feel. I look around me and I see no hope anymore. I’m in a constant state of turmoil. Nothing makes me happy. Sometimes I wonder if I was born to suffer. When I get to a bearable point with my pain (because it is obviously not going anywhere) you want to change things. It happens every time. “You’re feeling good it’s time to lower everything, or you’re feeling bad let’s up things that aren’t working and continue to retry medicines you’ve tried several times and failed with”. If I feel good just let me be PLEASE! Stop there; this is a good thing, not time for change. Please stop pushing medicines that have bad side effects off on me. Please fucking listen to me and acknowledge I’m a human and as a human suffering of course I want to be involved in my care. I’m so fucking frustrated with all of it. I’m in so much fucking pain and I feel like no one’s listening and if they are they can’t hear me. It’s hard to explain the grueling pain I’m in. The constant pain that makes me want to cut off limbs, scream, cry, throw things, become extremely violent and aggressive, and yet at other times just be completely limp, and numb to everything around me. I sometimes feel like people should automatically know. I’m in so much pain how can you not see? Are you purposely avoiding it? HELP ME!! I am crying out for help!!! I don’t want to get out of bed most days. I don’t want my husband to touch me most days. I don’t have many friends. I’m constantly dropping things and breaking things. I fuck everything up because I don’t know how to be young and in pain. I just wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. I’m so angry. I’m on fire on the inside and I just want to SCREAM. I’m so angry and jaded. I think I was mostly in denial till the past couple months. Now I’m just angry. I cry all the time (again). For a while I had no more tears left, but here they are again. I’m in the belly of the beast with no way out kind of like in Moby Dick (novel by Charles Dickens). I thought about asking for a divorce so I could live my own miserable experience alone. When my husband is gone I spend the entire day crying. Then when he’s around I plaster back on a fake smile. I feel so alone. I feel so much pain. The burning, the stabbing, the searing, the pressure, the pain with touch…I feel it all. I get to the point that I hate myself because my body won’t allow me to do the things I want or be the person I want to be. No one wants to be like this. All I can say is if you can’t help me let me go. Don’t give me anymore false hope. If we are at the end of our journey just end it. I cannot go back and forth anymore. I cannot bear my life as is, but going through this infinite loop and sea of frustration cannot be good for me (your patient) or you (my physician). I will always have pain doc. This I’ve come to know. Maybe I’m falling through the cracks, but I’m so tired. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. My writing you this is my way of saying that we are both extremely frustrated right now and maybe I just want to give up because I feel hopeless.Image

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