Today started off on a bad note. I dropped a pound of sugar on the floor because of my weak arm. Only half spilled out though. I was so upset about my limitations though. I was even more pissed that he my husband wasn’t here to help me because I couldn’t clean it up. I cried as this fucking huge pile of sugar laid on my floor, symbolic of how bittersweet things have been as of late.
As I stewed over how mad I was I began to realize who I was really mad at. I was really mad at myself, my limitations, and God if he exists. Sometimes I misdirect my anger at my husband and I know he doesn’t deserve that.
Anyways, as the day progressed I felt better. Actually I felt better when he came home because being around him makes me feel better. I don’t feel so alone in this world when I have him. He gives my existence a meaning. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He’s everything to me. He’s my family.
We had a fun afternoon. We watched a movie together and ate greasy fast food. We laughed about the past and we reminisced about the hard times and the good times too. We talked about the future. Mostly, today we loved each other.
There’s so much beauty in the world, but it’s hard to see through angry eyes. Loving eyes can find beauty in anything. It really is the little things, the small laughs we share together, and the nights we stay up so late because we don’t want to miss anything. It’s all these things we share that no one else can ever come close to knowing. These are the things that make up our love.
I had hoped I could find the words to say to define what life with him means to me, but I find myself without proper words. Sometimes I wish I could live in certain moments forever…forever in his embrace, his warmth, his love, but as with everything in life nothing is forever.
I might not be that pretty face with the best body, but I’m more than any pretty face. He loves this about me. He loves how crazy I am. He loves me through my nervous breakdowns. He loves me through my crocodile tears that sometimes seem to flow like waterfalls. Sometimes I think of myself as a rushing river on the edge of going over the waterfall. The waterfall of tears shows him my mortality. I’m human.
My chronic pain caused from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy has been a tremendous strain on our relationship. My physical pain makes me hurt him emotionally. This is not fair to him. It is not his fault that I am sick. I have hurt him pretty badly in the past. I carry that with me. How could I not, I love the man?
In the end I cannot stay mad at him. I love him so much and in so many wonderful and amazing ways. He saved me in more ways than once. He stopped me from committing suicide. Not many people know that. I owe him a lot, but he doesn’t ask for anything. He’s a great man. I’m a selfish person though…I’m a selfish narcissist. I want to lay forever with my head on his chest while he laughs at my stupid jokes, never worrying about anything, never feeling any sorrow, and never having any pain.
If you want to see what happens next you’ll have to continue reading…