Today started off on a bad note. I dropped a pound of sugar on the floor because of my weak arm. Only half spilled out though. I was so upset about my limitations though. I was even more pissed that he my husband wasn’t here to help me because I couldn’t clean it up. I cried as this fucking huge pile of sugar laid on my floor, symbolic of how bittersweet things have been as of late.
As I stewed over how mad I was I began to realize who I was really mad at. I was really mad at myself, my limitations, and God if he exists. Sometimes I misdirect my anger at my husband and I know he doesn’t deserve that.
Anyways, as the day progressed I felt better. Actually I felt better when he came home because being around him makes me feel better. I don’t feel so alone in this world when I have him. He gives my existence a meaning. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He’s everything to me. He’s my family.
We had a fun afternoon. We watched a movie together and ate greasy fast food. We laughed about the past and we reminisced about the hard times and the good times too. We talked about the future. Mostly, today we loved each other.
There’s so much beauty in the world, but it’s hard to see through angry eyes. Loving eyes can find beauty in anything. It really is the little things, the small laughs we share together, and the nights we stay up so late because we don’t want to miss anything. It’s all these things we share that no one else can ever come close to knowing. These are the things that make up our love.
I had hoped I could find the words to say to define what life with him means to me, but I find myself without proper words. Sometimes I wish I could live in certain moments forever…forever in his embrace, his warmth, his love, but as with everything in life nothing is forever.
I might not be that pretty face with the best body, but I’m more than any pretty face. He loves this about me. He loves how crazy I am. He loves me through my nervous breakdowns. He loves me through my crocodile tears that sometimes seem to flow like waterfalls. Sometimes I think of myself as a rushing river on the edge of going over the waterfall. The waterfall of tears shows him my mortality. I’m human.
My chronic pain caused from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy has been a tremendous strain on our relationship. My physical pain makes me hurt him emotionally. This is not fair to him. It is not his fault that I am sick. I have hurt him pretty badly in the past. I carry that with me. How could I not, I love the man?
In the end I cannot stay mad at him. I love him so much and in so many wonderful and amazing ways. He saved me in more ways than once. He stopped me from committing suicide. Not many people know that. I owe him a lot, but he doesn’t ask for anything. He’s a great man. I’m a selfish person though…I’m a selfish narcissist. I want to lay forever with my head on his chest while he laughs at my stupid jokes, never worrying about anything, never feeling any sorrow, and never having any pain.
If you want to see what happens next you’ll have to continue reading…
I want to believe God is real. I want to believe there is a guy in the sky looking out for me. I really do, but I seriously have my doubts.
I don’t believe there is some omnipotent presence above us just there to judge our actions and impose heinous punishments on us for them. What is the point of that really? Life without this constant worry of being judged is so much more fulfilling.
I say this because when we don’t worry about this sky God we can work on whatever purpose we feel like we are here for. I believe in having a purpose, but not necessarily one that is laid out for us. I believe we find our own purpose. I believe it is about our own personal journey.
I mean if God is real how can he allow so much violence, hate, evil, etc.? I hate the normal excuses that people give like it’s his will and he gives us trials…blah blah blah. If he is this great presence what is the need for this? Furthermore what is the need for us to even be on earth at all? Why aren’t we up there with him instead of living in this painful and at times dreadful existence?
If God is real he must be really entertained by all the tribulations we all go through. If God gives us these trials then isn’t he also evil? If God is real he must be up on his cloud just laughing at our misery.
We both have felt extremely let down by our family. We both feel like black sheep. We both feel like our families could give a shit about us. We both feel used and abused.
This has affected us. It has affected our entire being. It has affected our relationships with others as well as with each other. It’s hard to trust someone not to break your heart when your entire life your family has been crushing it and making you smaller and smaller. We feel like we barely exist as people to them anymore.
We feel like pawns in their world. They only want to be around us when they need something. It really hurts our feelings too. We’re unsure if they care.
Our relationship with each other may have its troubles, but at the end of the day we are the ones who pick up the pieces for each other (no one else). We are the ones we can truly trust. We have been sorely let down by those who should’ve loved us the most.
I love him and I hate seeing him deal with stupid shit his family puts him through. He was there through a lot of the stupid shit my family put me through. Being there means a lot. Being there for someone without them even asking…being there for the right reasons that’s what matters.
So, yes it is hard to have a relationship with nothing to go on. Both of our parents have horrible relationships with each other. Because of this we must make our own path and travel it together. In the end what do we have if we don’t have each other??
If you want to know what happens next you have to continue reading…